The Strange Feeling of Relief

Have you ever had times when you're not quite sure how you feel? When your thoughts and emotions are just swimming around in some kind of subconscious sea of goo? Ever had those times?

Well, that's how I felt today. I had a strange sense of relief mixed with thankfulness mixed with fatigue mixed with concern. A strange concoction of emotion, no doubt. Here's why.

I got my diagnosis this morning from my neurologist. The great news is that I do not have a disease, such as multiple sclerosis or worse. My brain MRI showed no abnormalities (and confirmed I have a brain...). My nerve endings in my spine were also normal, which ruled out a neurological disorder. I was so relieved!

What isn't normal is my spine. I have scoliosis of the spine, a fact I've known since I was a boy. Got it from my father, assuming such a thing can be inherited. My scoliosis has led to various back pains through the years but the pains have always gone away. In recent times, though a few of my discs, gelatinous ares between the bone vertebrae, have become compacted and are now bulging out of position. One such disc is bulging into my spinal cord, causing my leg and arm weakness and other nerve issues. My doctor showed me the spinal MRI and even an untrained person like me could see the problem. My blood work further revealed that my level of vitamin B12 was a little low, which in 10-percent of people causes nerve tingling and numbness. I count myself among the 10-percent!

So the diagnosis of my bulging disc and vitamin deficiency problem was a huge relief for me. I had tried not to think of the worse possibilities for my symptoms but I must confess that they slipped into my consciousness from time to time. I knew that come whatever may, God would take care of me and I would seek to glorify Him in my circumstance. Yet, like any person of sound mind, I was concerned for my health. And I really don't like what's happening to my body!

Yet I'm mixed in emotion for some reason, treading water in the emotional goo of ambivalence. I'm relieved to know my condition is treatable. It may require surgery but I'll find out for certain later. I'm thankful to the Lord for a diagnosis and that the diagnosis was certain and specific. Yet I'm tired from watching my health deteriorate each week since before Christmas. But I'm also ready to start my back therapy and eat more chicken (for vitamin B12). So tonight I'm a bit mixed.

Ever had those times?

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers during this trial. I have a long recovery ahead that may require several major life changes. My spine needs work and I need to find a better way to work/rest that does not compress it. Thankfully, I have a plethora of friends around me to offer input, support and, occasionally, the name of a doctor they really like. They are making this trial so much easier to bear and I am eternally thankful.

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