Tis a strange world, this domain of dusk that separates asleep and awake. It's a realm that knows no mercy; knows little grace. Where sleep is denied yet alertness wanes. This strange kingdom of semi-awake or semi-sleep.
As I ponder this awkward universe at one o'clock in the morning I must confess that I have no reason to be awake right now. I haven't slept well for days now for reasons beyond grasp. Every night I spend what feels like hours as an exhausted man desperate for unconsciousness but unable to achieve it. I just can't receive peaceful sleep. My mind doesn't seem to want it. Maybe it just doesn't realize that it needs it. Don't know. All I know is that I'm very, very tired but unable to do anything about it.
Before you start suggesting sleep aids, let me admit that I've tried most if not all and what they do is put me into some sort of semi-coma. They make my eyes heavy, for sure, and my head loses feeling but my mind and my heart stay active. It's pretty frustrating. I've tried prayer and confession but after a few minutes of silent peace my mind resumes its worry and strife. I keep hitting the anxiety snooze bar but my brain waves keep coming back... every... nine... minutes. Or so it seems. I'm off caffeine in the afternoons and turn off the TV long before bed. I don't read newspapers or go through my stack of bills. I really do want my brain to shut down. Just can't find that cranial power button.
Do you have problems sleeping, too? Maybe it's this hot weather, or the economy, or global warming, or... something... else. Maybe it's my stage of life or the wounds of recent experience or dissatisfaction with my spiritual life. Or all of the above. Don't you just hate those cocktails of contentious consciousness?
I wish I could turn to the New Testament to find theological help with my sleep problem but it doesn't seem to address physical sleep very much. Usually sleep is a metaphor for sin, darkness or blindness. The world is said to be asleep. So maybe I don't want to sleep after all! In the Old Testament, when Saul was asleep David stole his water jug and spear. Delilah cut Samson's hair when he was asleep and he got beat up and thrown in jail. Theology aside, thieves really like it when people sleep. In the New Testament, Jesus said, "watch and pray" to his exhausted disciples and chided them when they fell asleep in Gethsemane. So maybe being awake isn't such a bad thing!
After all, God never sleeps, does He?
But I'm not God. I'm a human who needs sleep. He made me that way. And He's fully capable of causing someone to fall asleep. Just like the prophet Jeremiah, who fell asleep during a vision he was having and when he woke up he was refreshed (Jer. 31:26).
Maybe God needs to give me a vision.
Maybe not. I probably couldn't handle it.
When I was younger I used to recite this psalm to myself during sleepless nights as a source of comfort.
"To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side." (Psalm 3:4-6)
As an adult I love to pray this prayer from The Book of Common Prayer: "Guide me waking and guard me sleeping; that awake I may wait with Christ and asleep I may rest in peace."
The domain of dusk isn't fun. It isn't really daylight and it isn't really night. It's that realm in between where visions are hazy and emotions confused. You'd rather be anywhere but there, be it night or day, asleep or awake.
It's two o'clock now. Time to aim for asleep once again in hopes of sailing away from this kingdom of the inbetween....
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5 comments:
I've just discovered that the Smithsonian Channel (625) has some great Aerial View programs that are perfectly sleep-inducing. No commercials. Monotone narrator. Level volume. Record them and watch to put yourself to sleep. So what if you fall asleep on the sofa. Sleep anywhere is better than no sleep at all. :)
I'll have to try that. I've used TV to try to sleep off and on over the past year but my latest theory is that the light from the tube may be messing with my internal body clock. But having it off isn't helping so far, either. Funny thing is... when I was camping getting to sleep wasn't a problem. Staying asleep was, but not getting to dreamland.
Soothing music? Nature sounds? Camping in your own backyard? I usually read or write over a cup of Celestial Seasonings sleepytime tea when I can't sleep.
Is there some natural phenomenon going on right now that keeps folks from getting to sleep? I've been having trouble getting to sleep for a couple of weeks now, and within the past week I've had conversations with two other people who are having similar trouble going to sleep. Sunspots? Solar flares? El nino? Something weird going on with the moon?
My problem is staying awake (which I have a hard time doing!). Sleep...nary a problem. I think it's because I am on my feet at work all day. I'm exhausted by the time I sit down and all it takes for me is a couple of pages of reading in bed.
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